Whiskey Lullaby
by Smitty91
Summary: A devastating thing that should never happen between friends, and yet the Mane Six find themselves having to go through it, sometimes even all by their lonesome. Worst yet, Rarity is blaming herself over what happened. How could one mistake cause so much heartache? And yet she finds that she's not the only one having a hard time coping with what has happened to their family.
1. Chapter 1

Whiskey Lullaby

**A/N: Constructive criticism is appreciated. **

We found him with his face down in the pillow  
With a note that said, 'I'll love her till I die.' 

Rarity held her breath in silent awe as she stared down at the purple dragon lying face-down in his basket. Clutched in his hand was a note. She hesitated before lifting the note up to where it was eye-level with her and reading it. Her mouth dropped, but she otherwise did not move. She continued to read the note over and over again. The note fluttered down to the floor as the light blue aura surrounding it suddenly disappeared, and she continued to stare down at the purple dragon before her, mouth agape.

She wasn't entirely sure of how to react to what she was seeing. Perhaps it was all just a dream. Yes, that was it; this was all just a horrid nightmare. Pretty soon she would awake in her bed, protected by her bed sheets. **Opalescence would be at the foot of her bed, curled up in a little ball. Any moment now she would wake up; all she had to do was concentrate. She closed her eyes and pictured herself in her bed, safe and warm. **

** She opened her eyes and realized that this was not a dream; this was real. Everything that she was seeing right now was real. With this realization, she had no other choice but to act. She should at least make sure that he was still alive. She gently nudged him, not getting any response. She nudged him a bit harder. Again, no response. Finally, she gently rolled him over to find that his eyes were closed. A sad look was on his face. Her worry overcame her. Maybe he was just sleeping. If he was, then his chest would have been rising and falling in time with his breathing, and it wasn't. Maybe Twilight would be able to deduce what was wrong with him. If he wasn't breathing, then that surely meant that he must be . . . **

** She shook her head. No. She wasn't going to think that way. She would remain positive. He couldn't be dead. He just couldn't be! If he was, she didn't think she could live with herself. She wouldn't be able to live with the consequences. What would her friends think of her when they learned that she was, pretty much, the sole cause of his demise? They would abandon her, wouldn't they? They would stop speaking to her. If such was the case, she wouldn't blame them if they did. If she was in fact the cause behind this, then she was no better than a murderer. **

** She paced back and forth across the library, her hoofbeats echoing off the wooden walls that made up the room that Twilight and Spike shared, her anxiety getting greater and greater the longer she waited. Where on Earth was Twilight?! She sighed and fell on her haunches, looking down at the floor as a single tear ran down the right side of her face. The lump in her throat bobbed up and down as she struggled to get a hold of her emotions. She couldn't let her dark thoughts get the best of her, at least not until she was certain that the worse had come to pass. **

** Once Twilight finally arrived at the library, Rarity practically sprinted down the stairs to the main entrance, nearly running into Twilight in the process. She skidded to a halt in front of her. **

** Automatically, Twilight suspected that something was wrong purely by the terrified look on Rarity's face. She cocked her head to the side. "Rarity, what is it?" She didn't even need to ask if something was wrong. **

** It took a moment for Rarity to get her emotions in control before responding. She almost burst into tears, but kept the waterworks in check, at least long enough to tell Twilight what was going on. "It's Spike. Something's wrong with him." **

** Twilight sped past Rarity, knocking her back on her haunches while she raced up the stairs to her bedroom to find that Spike was lying on his back, eyes closed, a sad expression plastered on his face. She didn't move even when she heard Rarity come up the stairs. "Did you find him this way?" **

** Rarity nodded her head. "Yes. I wasn't sure about what to do, so I waited for you to get here. What do you think, Twilight? What's wrong with him? Is he . . ." She hesitated to even say it, much less think it. "Dead?" **

** Twilight swallowed hard at the very suggestion. She gave Rarity no response; she simply lowered her head towards Spike, pressing her ear against Spike's chest. It felt as if she was trying to swallow a pebble when she realized that his heart wasn't beating. She gulped and immediately began attempting to perform CPR, to no avail. Her breathing became heavier as she attempted CPR repeatedly with no results. The tears came as she finally broke down and began crying. She was comforted as Rarity nuzzled her cheek. **

_**And when we buried him beneath the willow  
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby**_

**Rarity stood silently, watching Spike's coffin being buried underneath the tree that she and her friends stood under, along with many friends and family that either knew Spike or came to show their condolences. She looked across from her where Applejack and Rainbow Dash stood. Both were glaring, luckily not at her, but at the tombstone that lay directly underneath the tree. **

** Neither she or her friends had spoken much within the past few days. They hadn't even visited one another to see how the other was doing. They had all kept to themselves, each one of them dealing with the tragedy in their own way. It was almost funny in a way, as they usually attacked problems together as a team, a family. When it came right down to it, they were more than best friends: they were a family. Families were supposed to stick together and support each other, but it seemed as if Spike's death was slowly but surely making it so that they didn't want to be around each other. **

** She was curious as to how the others were coping with the recent tragedy that had befallen them. Of all the things that they had been through during their friendship, this was probably the hardest thing that they had to go through. Of course they all knew that each of them would die eventually, one right after the other, but none of them expected one of their own would die so soon in such a swift manner. It was quite surreal, like a horrid nightmare that would never end. **

** The burial came to a close and the group went their separate ways, as if none of them wanted to be there any more than the other did. Rarity watched as her friends went off in different directions, not saying a word to one another. She turned her head, choking while watching her friends quickly run. Rainbow Dash fired off like a rocket across the sky, leaving an iridescent streak behind her in her wake, her tail and mane flapping in the breeze. **

** If anyone had been affected by this tragedy, it was definitely Twilight; she had been the one closest to Spike, after all. This struck Rarity as odd, as she suspected that she should have been the one most affected by Spike's death, seeing as how she was the first one to find him dead in the library. In a way, she was just as much affected by his suicide as Twilight. A bottle of whiskey lay near his basket, the cause of death being alcohol poisoning. He had literally drunk himself to death, the alcohol consumption being too much for his small body. **

** Twilight had no reason to feel guilty regarding Spike's death, seeing as how he wasn't mad at her for any reason, Rarity realized as she sat at her kitchen table drinking some hot coffee. If anyone felt guilty, it was her. She could still recall the incident that, more than likely, led to Spike's depression and alcoholism. **

_**She put him out **_

_**Like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette  
She broke his heart**_

** She had been busy working on one of her latest fashion designs. Ribbons were snipped and measurements were taken. Designs were drawn and redrawn repeatedly, most ending up crumpled in the trashcan when they didn't meet her satisfaction. She heard the door open and close, but merely dismissed it as Sweete Belle leaving to do some crazy experiment with her friends in order to earn her cutie marks. After a second or two, she went back to her work. It was only when she heard a small cough that she turned. She was taken aback to see Spike standing behind her. Looking down, she noticed an envelope in his hand. **

** She swallowed. "I'm afraid this isn't the best time, Spike. I'm busy filling an order. Is this important?" She lifted a hoof to adjust her glasses. **

** He swallowed and took a step back, looking somewhat hurt by her statement. He looked down at the envelope in his hand. He jumped when the envelope was suddenly lifted from his hand, cast in a light blue aura. He watched as she merely glanced at the envelope and dismissed it as yet another order before setting it aside. She once again addressed him, asking him if he wanted anything. **

** He shook his head and replied softly, "No." **

** She nodded. "Very well. May I please go back to work, then?" **

** He bit his lip. "Y-Yeah. S-S-S-Sure." **

** She smiled at him and gently patted him on the head before turning back to her mannequin and continuing to do her work. **

** She sighed, recalling the memory. She took another sip of her coffee, but immediately spat it back into the mug upon realizing that the coffee had gone cold. She set the mug down and pushed it away from her, resting her hoofs on her cheeks as she leaned forward, looking straight ahead. **

** She recalled the envelope that Spike had had with him when he'd entered her shop. She hadn't opened it. She hadn't even so much as glanced at it since the dragon's passing. How could she have been so stupid? Spike didn't deliver orders for her. Why had he come to the boutique that day anyway, if not to give her an order to fill? Maybe it was important. **

** She went in the room where she did her business, stopping when she approached the table where the envelope lay, where it'd laid since the day Spike had come in her shop. Slowly, she used her magic to rip open the envelope. A rolled up piece of parchment fell onto the table. The envelope was flipped over to see her name written in cursive on the front. It was set aside on the table, the light blue aura replacing the envelope for the letter. The letter was levitated up so that it was at eye-level with her. She started to read . . . **

_**Dearest Rarity, **_

** _Words cannot express my gratitude to you for teaching me about the meaning about of love, about what it means to love someone unconditionally. Sure, Twilight and I are very close to each other. You know as well as I do that I'd do anything for her, but I hope that you know that I'd do anything for you as well. I love you and the rest of my friends dearly. But you . . . I love you most of all. I know you don't feel the same way I do about you, so I don't expect you to return my feelings for you. But, I do hope that you will grant me the common courtesy to at least consider me as more than a friend. I know you don't think this way, but I really think you and me could be happy together. Just think about it and get back to me whenever you can. _**

** _Love from, _**

** _Spike _**

** She read the letter over and over again, each time getting more choked up than the last. The letter fluttered to the floor as her magic released its hold on the parchment. She watched it fall to the floor and continued staring at it for a full minute or so before finally falling into a crumbled heap on the floor, softly sobbing to herself. **

** Oh, how stupid she'd been! He hadn't been giving her an order to fill; he had been giving her a very heartfelt love letter, and she'd just cast it aside as if it were nothing! No wonder he'd looked so distraught afterward. She should have known that the letter meant something to him, that she meant everything to him. How could she have been so blind?! **

** Her sobs began to come in soft whimpers while she picked herself up off the floor. Her legs wobbled as she struggled to regain her composure, but found that this was a lot harder due to the emotional weight that had been hoisted onto her back. She bit her lip in an effort to keep in the guilt-ridden scream that she so desperately wanted to be let out. When she kept it in, she felt her stomach knot up. Her chest felt tight. Was this what it felt like to keep one's emotions bottled up inside? Oh, God, it felt ghastly! How did anypony live with themselves with these horrible feelings weighing them down? She visibly cringed when the feelings began to make her sick to her stomach. She realized that she would need to consult somepony, anypony, in order to rid her of these horrible feelings. **

** She supposed that the pony that she should talk to first was Twilight. After all, Spike had been her number one assistant, and losing him had probably dealt her a terrible blow that was more than likely more devastating than how Rarity felt now. **


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

_The rumors flew _

_But nobody knew how much she blamed herself_

It wasn't possible. No matter how hard she tried, Rarity could not get Spike off her mind. Worst yet was the fact that guilt, more than anything else, was often accompanied with these thoughts. She wasn't exactly sure why she felt so guilty regarding the dragon's passing; maybe it was because she'd had a hoof in his death. If it weren't for her and casting aside his heartfelt love letter with such a cold heart, maybe he would still be here.

No, that wasn't possible. Even if she'd taken the time to read his letter, he still would have been depressed because she'd rejected him. Either way, he would have committed suicide. Or at least that's the way she looked at it.

Ever since Spike's death, she'd become less and less motivated to take part in her business. An order would come, needing to be filled, only for her to cast it aside while she rolled over to get a couple more hours of sleep. Balled up wet tissues covered her bed from the many nights she'd stayed up trying to get to sleep. Her sleeping schedule had been thrown out of whack due to this.

She couldn't help but wonder how the others were doing. Surely they weren't doing any better than her. They were probably more distressed than she was. Twilight especially had to be as affected as her considering the fact that she was the one who was closest to him. The purple unicorn had practically been like a mother to him, showing him guidance and wisdom as he'd grown up, once he'd been handed over to her after she'd become of legal age to look after him, of course.

Somehow, she managed to drag herself out of bed and downstairs to the first floor with the little energy she had. Blinking, she looked at herself in the mirror, only for her eyes to pop open at how horrid she looked. Her mane and tail were a mangled mess. There were bags and crust underneath her eyes. Her nose was running. There was dirt within her ears. Before she did anything, she would need to doll herself up before going to visit her friend.

After a quick hot shower and a combing, she at least looked presentable enough to go visit Twilight. She left a note on the front door of the Boutique and made her way towards the Ponyville library. She gently knocked on the door and was soon greeted by Twilight, who quickly ushered her in.

"How are you?" Twilight asked.

Rarity simply shook her head.

Twilight frowned. "That bad?"

"What about you? How have you been holding up?"

"I've been doing okay. My studies have been helping me keep my mind off things."

"Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. You should have time to grieve, darling. It's not going to do you any good to keep your emotions bottled up inside like that."

Twilight nodded. "You're right. How have you been dealing with it?"

"I haven't really spoken to anyone since it happened, really. I've mostly kept myself in my room, in bed. I barely had any energy to come over here. I've been eating regularly, though I must say that I haven't had much of an appetite lately."

"I haven't either, to be honest."

Both looked down before Rarity suddenly perked up.

"I've got it! Why don't we go out and have a drink?"

Twilight gave her a confused look. "You mean like at the bar?"

"Exactly!"

Twilight shook her head. "I don't know."

"It'll help us get our mind off things. Besides, it's not like I have anything better to do. We can get something to eat first, and then we can go out and get a drink. Come on, it'll be fun."

Twilight thought about it for a moment or two before finally looking up at Rarity and nodding her head. "Okay, let's do it. It sounds like fun. I've been spending too much time in this library anyway. It'd be good to get some fresh air."

Rarity smiled. "Great."

After eating at a local restaurant located within the square of Ponyville, Twilight and Rarity made their way towards the bar located not too far away from Ponyville–Ten Green Bottles. They entered, looking around for any of their friends. Not recognizing anypony, they approached the bar and sat down. Rarity ordered a brandy while Twilight, not exactly familiar with alcoholic beverages, ordered white wine. They both sat drinking their beverages in silence. Every now and then, they would glance at each other. Otherwise, they didn't say a word.

"Why do you think he did it?" For the first time since they'd entered the bar, Twilight made eye contact with Rarity. "What would make him want to kill himself?"

For the longest time, Rarity didn't say anything in response; she simply stared down at the honey-colored liquid in her glass.

"If I were ever to meet the one responsible," Twilight said, causing Rarity to look at her. She shook her head. "I don't know what I'd do."

Rarity looked back at her glass. She lifted it to her lips and drained it. Setting it back down on the bar, she called to the bartender, "Can I get another one, please?"

_She finally drank her pain away a little at a time  
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind_

After her night of drinking with Twilight, who hadn't drunk that much, Rarity found herself escaping reality through the Ponyville bar. At first, it started off as a small glass of rum and whatnot. It soon spiraled into full-blown alcoholism where she was drinking heavily even at home. She kept a stash of alcoholic beverages underneath her bed and would drink a bottle or two when she couldn't get to sleep.

The alcohol didn't seem to be working, though. Regardless of how much she drank, Spike continued to plague her mind. She couldn't even concentrate on her work anymore because of how consumed her thoughts were about Spike and what she'd done to him and what it'd led to.

She was at least grateful that Twilight didn't appear to be digging any further into why Spike would off himself. Still, she surely should have noticed something was wrong with him when he'd started drinking. Not only that, but he'd been rather distant with the whole lot of them, slacking off on his chores and spending most of his time sleeping. Whether it was from a hangover or depression, she wasn't entirely sure. Twilight must have known something was wrong with him since she'd voiced her concerns to her friends on numerous occasions. Still feeling guilty, Rarity hadn't said anything regarding Spike's behavior.. Of course, she hadn't known that he'd been drinking back then. She'd surely noticed that he was quite depressed, however. She figured that if she simply ignored it and acted like it was nothing, then it would simply go away and she would be able to forget about it.

The memory wasn't leaving her, sadly. When she wasn't sleeping and dreaming about him, she saw his face everywhere. She would sometimes go outside and gaze at the clouds to get her mind off things, only for the clouds to remind her of him. Perhaps her mind was simply playing tricks on her, the guilt getting the best of her.

It wasn't just her mind. _All _of her senses seemed to remind her of Spike. The air had the scent of his breath. The chilly winds had his touch. Voices she wasn't familiar with had his tone and childlike giddiness. She simply could not get away from him, no matter what she did. Perhaps she simply needed to tell someone that Spike might have offed himself because of her. But would her friends continue to accept her if she did? Would they abandon her and refuse to ever have anything to do with her? Would Fluttershy stop going to the spa with her?

Despite the circumstances, the two of them had continued to go on their weekly trips to the spa. It was a grand way to escape from the reality outside of the spa that they had to face. Of course, Fluttershy had had to work up enough energy to go with her. Like the others, she was quite depressed and honestly didn't feel like doing anything else besides sleeping and taking care of her animal friends. Still, the tranquility that the spa provided didn't stop Fluttershy from asking Rarity how she was doing and why Spike would even consider killing himself.

Rarity supposed that she should have been expecting all of her friends to be asking that question. Sure, he was depressed, but none of them had thought that he would actually kill himself. Rarity hadn't just had a hoof in Spike killing himself. When it came down to it, they all supposed that they were all guilty. None of them had bothered to take the time to question him as to how he was doing or if they could do anything to cheer him up. At the very least, Twilight had attempted to do this by making special meals for him and selflessly taking time out of her studies to take him to the park or to Sugarcube Corner to get him something to eat, noticing that he hadn't been eating regularly. She'd even fixed him a bowl of gems that he hadn't touched, much less bothered to look at.

Realizing this, it made sense that Rarity wasn't the only one feeling guilty regarding Spike's death. They all felt the sting of his death lingering on their minds and lives. All of them were finding it hard, if not downright impossible, to move on with their lives following the tragedy that had befallen their family. Many of them found it hard to continue on with their work and businesses. Even Twilight had said a number of times that she'd had so little energy that she merely spent much of her time in bed, going many a night without reading a single paragraph of even one chapter of a book.

Even so, Rarity found it very hard to get any sleep throughout the night due to the fact that Spike was constantly on her mind. She supposed she couldn't have been the only one. Surely Twilight had to be losing as much sleep as she had been. Naturally, this made it so that she had very little energy throughout the day and she found herself wandering to her bed in need of a nap on many days. Even coffee and food didn't provide her with the energy she needed. Still, she ate a little bit of something, if just to keep her strength up.

Throughout the day, she couldn't help but wonder how the others were doing. They hadn't spoken much since the tragedy had struck, keeping to themselves most of the time and opting to stay inside their homes, not wandering out. She figured that if anypony was going to take charge, it had to be her. Sure, it would be hard as they went along. Considering the fact that they'd conquered every villain that had been thrown at them, she figured they could easily conquer the pain of losing a loved one. All she had to do was make them see that they couldn't let a tragedy divide them. Before she did that, though, she supposed she should have closure with herself before trying to bring the others to closure herself.

She found that this was easier said than done. She'd become so accustomed to drinking throughout the day that she found it quite hard to even make herself coffee without adding just a little bit of alcohol to the beverage. Even her sweet tea contained a small amount of it. It wasn't enough to where she was so hammered that she couldn't take two steps without tripping all over herself. She was somewhat buzzed, though. It was only after the alcohol had worn off, after a few hours at least, that she would attempt to get to work on filling out the orders that she had piled up, only to find that concentrating on her work was even harder under the influence of alcohol.

She eventually got tired of trying to do any work and decided that some fresh air would do her some good. Grabbing Opalescence, she thought that it would be good to go to the park. Even if it was for a little while, it would be good to feel the sun on her fur. She honestly wasn't expecting to run into anypony while at the park.

She bumped into Fluttershy, who was busy having a picnic with her woodland friends in the shade underneath a tree. She led Opal over to the group and sat down. She smiled when Fluttershy looked over at her. "So, how have you been, dear?"

"Fine," Fluttershy stated. She looked down and took a sip of her tea.

"Oh." She moved closer to the cream-colored pegasus. "Have you heard from Twilight or any of the others? Maybe Rainbow Dash?"

Fluttershy shook her head. "No, I haven't. I've been stuck in my house most of the time for the past couple of weeks taking care of Angel."

"Would you be up to going with me to the spa this weekend? A mud bath would fix you right up."

Fluttershy smiled at the offer. "That would be nice. A mud bath would probably relieve me of my nerves."

Rarity suddenly frowned. "Do you think they're all right? The others, I mean."

Fluttershy nodded. "I'm sure they're fine. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to go and check."

"You're probably right. We should really get back in touch. It's been so long since we've done anything together."

"I'm sorry, Rarity."

"No need to apologize, darling. It's quite all right, really. I've not been up to doing anything as of late either."

"Oh."

A brief silence fell over them.

Fluttershy gently pushed a plate towards her friend. "You hungry? I made an extra sandwich just in case Angel was hungrier than usual."

Rarity stared down at the sandwich for a moment or two before gratefully taking it and beginning to eat. It wasn't exactly the most appetizing thing in the world, but considering that she hadn't eaten lunch yet, she wasn't about to complain.

Silence fell over the two as Rarity ate her lunch and Fluttershy drank her tea. The two watched as Fluttershy's forest friends frolicked not too far ahead of them, rolling around on the ground and playing with each other. Even Rarity had to admit that the sight was quite adorable. She was just glad that Opalescence was getting along with the others. The cat wasn't actually keen on company.

Once she'd finished her meal and wiped her mouth off, Rarity added, "I might go by Spike's grave sometime today. I'd gladly invite you and the others to join me, but I'd rather go alone, honestly. It's a personal thing. Besides, the flowers on his grave are starting to wither."

"I'm sure no matter what flowers you pick, they'll be beautiful," Fluttershy stated. "You've always had a keen eye for that sort of thing."

Rarity smiled down at her as she got up from her sitting position. "So I'll see you on Saturday at eleven at the spa, correct?"

Fluttershy nodded. "I'll try to be there."

"Wonderful." She turned her head towards her pet. "Opal! Come along, darling, we must be going!" The cat ran over to her and began following at her heels.

**A/N: Constructive criticism is appreciated. Also, new poll on my profile in case any of you are interested. **


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

_These dreams of you keep on growing stronger_

_They're not a lot, but they're all that I have_

_Nothing to do but keep sleeping longer _

She didn't see the point in going to bed. It wasn't as if she was going to get much sleep, anyway. Even if she did, her dreams would only distract her.. That's all they were, really. They were nothing more than an illusion, a fantasy brought on by her imagination, of what she wanted to be real. She knew that her dreams only showed her what she wanted to be real, something she could never have. She sighed dejectedly to herself as she slipped into bed, her bedsheets and comforter providing her with warmth. The room was somewhat chilly. Oddly enough, her bed provided her with some comfort, but it wasn't enough to relieve her of the guilt and hurt that consumed her day and night.

She sighed, slipping a hoof underneath her pillow. She rolled over onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. She had no idea how she was going to fix the damage that she'd done. As far as she knew, none of her friends knew that she'd had a hoof in Spike's demise. While it would have been better to keep things that way, if only to save face, she knew that the truth had to come out eventually. She couldn't just let them wallow in their ignorance regarding Spike's death. She was sure that Twilight, being the crafty unicorn she was, was already starting to piece together the puzzle. After all, Rarity had been the last one to see Spike alive, and she was sure that Twilight had noticed that Spike's demeanor had changed soon after her rejection of him. He had become sluggish, more socially withdrawn, and had begun sleeping longer hours, and been in a more depressed state of mind. Surely Twilight had noticed that something was wrong and she had more than likely asked him to explain himself why he isolated himself from the group. Given his depression, Rarity doubted that he had given Twilight anything resembling a response.

It took a little over seven minutes, but she finally managed to get to sleep. She just hoped that her dreams tonight would be just as pleasant as they had been in the past.

_Rarity found herself being pulled. It wasn't forceful; it was more like gliding. Looking around, she found that she was being pulled by way of a couple of stallions while snow fell from all directions. She was seated, quite comfortably, mind you, in a chariot. Looking over the side of the chariot, she noticed that she was a long way off the ground. Turning back around, she jumped upon spotting Spike sitting beside her. _

_He smiled brightly at her. "Having a good time?" _

"_Oh, um . . ." She took another moment to look around, then smiled back at him. "Why, yes." _

_His smile, if possible, brightened. "It's kind of cold out tonight. You want some hot chocolate?" _

_She watched him bend over and pull out a tray that held a tea kettle and two teacups, seemingly from nowhere. He poured a cup for her first, then for himself, and gave it to her. She took it in her hooves. Steam mixed with the sight of her breath when she exhaled. She looked over at him to see that he had already downed his entire cup and was pouring himself another. She finally took a sip of the hot chocolate herself and a satisfying sigh escaped her mouth. Of course, the hot chocolate was in complete contrast to the chilly weather surrounding them. The warmth of the beverage spread from her mouth down to her hooves. _

_The next thing that Spike pulled out was a little more believable, seeing as how it was entirely plausible. He lifted a leg and tugged a thick wool blanket from underneath his seat and gingerly wrapped it around her, pulling her close so that she could rest her head on his shoulder. "I hope you're having a good time." _

_She smiled up at him. "Oh, I am, darling. I am." She sighed contently and snuggled up closer to him. She lifted her cup to her mouth to take another sip of hot chocolate. "This hot chocolate is simply splendid! Where did you get it?" _

"_Applejack. It's an old family recipe." _

"_Hmm. I'll have to ask her to share the recipe with me sometime." She felt him put his arm around her, tightly pinning the blanket to her body. Everything was so blissful that she could have easily fallen asleep if she wanted to. But wait. She was already asleep, wasn't she? Was any of this real? Or was it all in her head, like her previous imaginings had been? Perhaps. At the moment, she didn't care. She was too busy enjoying herself to think about it. Even if it was just her imagination, she was so at peace here that she didn't want to leave. Had she had her way, she wouldn't have. Even though it was just her and Spike, she was content. _

"Rarity . . ." Sweete Belle shook her older sister once again in an effort to get her up. "Rarity, get up already! I'm hungry." At least this time she got a response, but it wasn't the response she was hoping for. The most she got was a mutter and a waving hoof, Rarity's way of saying, "Just five more minutes. Leave me alone." Well, Sweete wasn't going to have any of that. She might not have been very skilled at magic, but that didn't mean she wasn't a novice when it came to it. Her horn glowed.

Rarity cried out in a panic and made a desperate attempt to grab onto her pillow or anything that would keep her from floating off the bed. It was futile, however, as she was suddenly plummeted onto her bed, only to be levitated up towards the ceiling again. Repeatedly, she was bounced up and down upon her bed. There was only one way out of this. "Okay, okay, I'm up! I'm up!"

Sweete Belle smiled and she slowly lowered her sister back onto the bed.

Rarity groaned. "Quite a demanding little pest, aren't you?" She mockingly glared at her little sister, a smile letting Sweete know that she was only playing.

Sweete smiled back. "That's what sisters are for."

Rarity got out of bed and began making it. "I suppose so. You could always think of a way to wake me up more peacefully, you know."

Sweete pouted. "But that wouldn't be as much fun."

"For you, maybe."

Sweete giggled.

Rarity sighed. "I really wish you hadn't woken me. I was having the loveliest dream." Her stomach growled. "On the other hoof, I am somewhat glad you woke me up as early as you did." She looked over at the clock on her bedside table. It was only seven in the morning and she let out an annoyed groan. "Then again, maybe not. Anyway, I'm hungry. What say you and me go down to the kitchen and fix something. What sounds good?"

"Pancakes." The littlest unicorn jumped up and down happily. The sight reminded Rarity of Pinkie Pie.

"Very well, then. Pancakes it is."

Honestly, Rarity was in no mood for cooking, or eating for that matter. If it would make Sweete happy, however, she was more than willing to look past her own needs to make her little sister happy. So, the two of them worked together to make pancakes. Rarity made the batter and Sweete poured the batter onto the pan. At one point, Sweete had attempted a flip, which hadn't ended up being successful. She had manged to do the flipping part, but the pancake itself had ended up on top of Rarity's head, part of it being pierced by her horn. The sight had made Sweete giggle and, despite her mood, had made Rarity chuckle to herself as well.

After a warm breakfast, Sweete was off with Applebloom and Scootaloo to play in the park, leaving Rarity to her own devices. She promised Rarity that she would be safe, then dashed out the door.

It was an odd thing for Rarity to go through. For the first time in her fife, she didn't feel like sewing or making dresses. She blamed her depression due to Spike's passing being the cause of this. She didn't want to do anything but lie in bed and attempt to return to her dream. What was it about again? Oh, blast it all! She'd gotten so distracted by making pancakes and her odd sullen mood that she couldn't even remember what her own dream had been about! And it had been such a wonderful dream, too. Or had it? She couldn't recollect. She couldn't help but wonder how the others were doing without Spike around. She was sure that they were all just as miserable as she was. They had to be. It wasn't possible for them to be moving on with their lives after the tragedy that had struck their family. Even if they had managed to move on with their lives, there was no guarantee that they didn't stop to reflect on Spike's passing and their feelings regarding it.

Twilight was certainly going through hell trying to get over her number one assistant's passing. She had told Twilight herself that Twilight needed to give herself time to grief. She hoped that Twilight was taking her words to heart and taking at least a little time out of her day to grieve.

Applejack had been worried about Rainbow Dash since the day of Spike's funeral. It seemed that the rainbow-maned pony had been one of the most displeased regarding Spike's passing. Aside from Applejack, she had been the only one outright glaring at the tombstone as the coffin was being lowered into the ground. The two of them hadn't spoken much since then. Come to think of it, the Mane Six hadn't interacted much at all since that day, and Applejack couldn't help but be curious as to how Rainbow Dash was holding up regarding the recent events.

After a quick visit to Twilight's to have the cloud walking spell performed on her, it was off to Rainbow Dash's. She had to stop and stare at Rainbow Dash's home. This was really the first time that she'd gotten the chance to actually see her friend's home.

It was quite beautiful, really. The cloud served as the foundation for the home. A few feet away from the home itself was a fountain that shot up rainbow-colored water. At various points along the home were waterfalls of rainbow-colored water. The home itself was the same color as Rainbow Dash's coat: cyan blue. The home was about two stories and a little bigger than Applejack had expected.

The only issue that Applejack saw was actually getting up to the home. She supposed that the best option would just be to call for Rainbow Dash and hopefully, the cyan pegasus would pick her up and carry her up to her home. Taking a deep breath, she shouted Rainbow Dash's name. She expected that she'd yelled loud enough for half of Ponyville to hear her. She waited patiently and when there was no response after two minutes, she tried yet again. She cursed under her breath when she received no response. Rainbow Dash was either ignoring her or was too depressed to come to the door. The only other way to get up to the porch would be to have somepony throw her up high enough for her to reach it. This plan would have worked had there been anypony around to actually do the task.

She looked up when she heard a creak. Rainbow Dash slowly drifted down to her level. "Hey, Rainbow. How are you doing?"

Rainbow Dash yawned and lifted a hoof to rub at one of her eyes. "Hi, Applejack." She bent down to stretch. "I've been doing okay, I guess."

"Would it be all right if I come inside?" She looked up at Rainbow Dash's wonderful home yet again.

"I suppose so." She picked up Applejack and soared up to her home, landing on the porch. She gently pushed the door open and invited Applejack to go in first. The farm pony smiled warmly at her and walked in.

Rainbow Dash's home wasn't as tidy as Applejack had expected. There was overturned furniture, broken pictures, feathers and cotton all over the floor. Some pictures weren't even broken, just sitting askew on the walls. There were several bottles of cider lying along the floor, as well as many empty packages of food. Applejack gawked at the mess.

Rainbow Dash gave a nervous chuckle. "Heh. Sorry about the mess. I guess I haven't been feeling so well after all." She started towards the kitchen. "Can I get you anything? A drink? Something to eat?"

Applejack came out of her trance and shook her head. "Thank you kindly, but no thank you. I'd like to talk to you."

"In that case, I'll fix us some cider." She walked over to a machine that was in the kitchen. She retrieved two mugs from the cabinet above the stove and pressed down on one of the levers of the machine, filling the first mug up with cider. It had been a machine that the Apple family had worked on together and had given to Rainbow Dash as a birthday present so that she didn't have to wait in line during cider season and could have cider whenever she wanted. It seemed as if Rainbow Dash had been abusing that kind of power as of late. Applejack was actually kind of surprised that Rainbow Dash wasn't drunk off her hindquarters.

The two of them sat down on the living room couch, their mugs of cider placed on the coffee table.

"So, RD, how have you been holding up?" Applejack took a moment to look around the room. "Not very well, I reckon."

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "No, not very well. I can't sleep. Oddly enough, I've had a spike in my appetite lately, whatever that means."

Applejack chuckled. "I think it means you've been doing a little bit o' binging for the past few days." She playfully poked Rainbow Dash's slightly distended stomach.

"Yeah, okay, so I've put on a couple of pounds. So what?" She glared and snorted, blowing Applejack's mane to the side.

Applejack gave her a concerned look. "Sugarcube, are you sure you're okay? I don't feel right about leaving you here by your lonesome. I don't want you doing something you'll regret."

Rainbow Dash tapped a hoof against her chin in thought. "I have been feeling kind of lonely lately. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get out of the house for a while, get some fresh air."

Applejack hugged her. "Wonderful! While you're out, we can check up on Rarity and the others, see how they're doing." She took a swig of her cider.

"Sure thing."

"If you want, I'd be more than happy to help you clean up this mess."

"We can do that later. Right now I feel like stretching my legs." She hunched over and allowed her wings to come to life. "What do you say to a little race, for old times' sake."

Applejack smiled and tipped her hat. "Sounds like fun."

"On your mark, get set, go!" Rainbow Dash said this so fast that Applejack barely had time to understand what she'd said before she was flying out the door.

"Hey! Get back here! You cheated!" Applejack took off after her.

Rainbow Dash laughed happily as she sprinted down the dirt road. Even though Applejack was still miffed about her cheating, she couldn't hide the smile on her face upon hearing Rainbow Dash laugh so gayly.

"Thank you, come again," Pinkie Pie said happily to the customer. She handed him his box of goodies and watched him walk off. She smiled brightly when she saw Fluttershy come up to the counter. "Hey, Fluttershy! What can I get for you?" She wiped off the counter with a cloth.

"Oh, um . . ." Fluttershy bent down to look at the various sweets that lined the shelves. "Oh, my, they all look good!" She stomped her hoof in frustration. "Oh! I can't choose. What would you recommend, Pinkie Pie?"

"Ooh, that's a toughie. Hmm. Well, we have strudel, turnovers, eclairs, sweet rolls–"

"Whichever you think is the best is fine."

Pinkie Pie chuckled. "In that case, I'll give you one of everything."

"Oh, uh, okay. H-How much will that be?"

"It's on the house. You really look like you could use some sweets in your belly." She filled a bag with one of everything from the shelves and pushed the bag towards the cream-colored pegasus. "Enjoy!"

Fluttershy smiled gratefully and took the bag in her mouth. "Thanks. I'm sure I will." She set the bag on the floor and gave her friend a serious look. "You seem pretty upbeat considering everything that's happened recently."

Pinkie Pie shook her head. "It's true. There are some days that are dark and lonely, and sometimes I do feel sad. But then I remember that my friends are there to show that it's really not so bad." She grinned. Her smile seemed to be too big for her face.

Fluttershy frowned. "Pinkie Pie, we had a very close friend just die. Doesn't that make you feel the least bit–"

"Excuse me!"

Both mares looked to see a stallion glaring at the two of them.

"Could you two please continue this conversation some other time! I would like to get my order before sundown!"

"Here you are, sir," Pinkie Pie replied, stretching out a bag for him.

The stallion grabbed his bag and snorted in Pinkie's face before turning and storming out of the store.

Fluttershy nodded her head, agreeing with the enraged stallion's statement. "Perhaps we should continue this conversation some other time, Pinkie, when you're not working, that is."

"Of course, Fluttershy! If it's convenient for you, I'll be at your place this afternoon."

"I'm supposed to have Rarity over for tea this afternoon. Perhaps maybe at a later time, if that's okay with you. I mean, if that's not a problem, that is."

"Can do!"

"Okay. So, I'll see you around seven."

"Sounds good to me. I'll bring dinner. We'll make a date out of it."

Fluttershy swallowed. "A date?"

Rarity let out a sigh of relief upon spotting Fluttershy coming out of Sugarcube Corner with a bag of sweets in her mouth. "Fluttershy, darling, there you are!" She trotted over to the yellow pegauss and began walking alongside her. "Are you all right, dear? We haven't talked in so long. We really should go to the spa again sometime. It's so rejuvenating! It really feels like all of your problems are just melting away."

Fluttershy smiled at the idea. "That sounds wonderful. Do you still want to have tea with me?"

"Why, of course, dear. Lead the way." After a short silence, she asked, "So, have you spoken to any of the others since the . . . uh, 'incident.'"

"Yes, I just got done talking with Pinkie Pie. She seems very happy considering the circumstances. But, she's the only one I've been able to talk to. I haven't been out of my cottage in such a long time. I just came into town today to get some food. I've been so depressed lately that I can't seem to find the energy to do anything besides feed myself and my animal friends."

Rarity gave her friend an encouraging smile. "Believe me, Fluttershy, we all know how you feel. Don't worry, though. I'm sure things will turn around . . . in a year or so."

"Oh, goodness. I don't think I can wait that long to feel happy again."

"Don't fret." She nuzzled Fluttershy. "If we can survive being brainwashed and turned against each other, petty arguments, and instances of selfishness and neglect, we can certainly get through this."

"I have no doubt."

"Wonderful! What have you got there?" She pointed to the bag in Fluttershy's mouth.

"Oh, just some sweets I picked up from Sugarcube Corner. I'd be more than happy to share with you."

"I don't normally partake in sweets, but since it's lunchtime and I haven't eaten anything yet, what's the harm? Like a couple of sweets are going to hurt."

"You know, in hindsight, I should have stopped after that eclair," Rarity groaned.

Fluttershy chuckled. "Don't worry about it, Rarity." Using her head, she helped Rarity sit up. "It just means you have good taste in food."

"I suppose you're right. A nap should do the trick in quelling my upset stomach." She took a sip of her sweet tea. "So, you say that you haven't been out of your cottage in quite a while?"

Fluttershy sat down in front of her friend. "That's right. Why do you ask?"

"I've been thinking about Twilight lately. Do you think she's having just as hard a time as us, even more?"

"It's possible. The two of them were very close, like brother and sister even. Of course Twilight would be devastated about his passing." She shook her head slightly, her pink mane swaying to and fro. "I've been trying to figure out what could have caused him to want to end his life so abruptly. I'm sure the others have been trying to figure it out too, Twilight doubly so."

Rarity nodded in agreement. "Quite right. It makes absolute sense that she would want to find out why her closest friend since fillyhood would want to off himself."

"Do you think she's figured it out yet?"

"I don't know." _At least I hope not, _she thought.

"We should go visit her sometime, make sure she's okay."

"Excellent idea, Fluttershy. But," she cringed as another shoot of pain ran through her stomach, "it'll have to wait. You wouldn't mind me taking a nap here, would you?"

Fluttershy shook her head. "Of course not. You can sleep in my bed. It's time for me to feed my animal friends anyway, and then I'll find something quiet to do so you can rest."

"Thank you ever so much, dearie. Wake me up in an hour or so, would you?"

"Okay."

Twilight let out a frustrated growl and tossed the book across the room. It was no use. She couldn't concentrate. She glared daggers at the book until her eyes fell on Spike's basket. Aside from tidying it up, she hadn't touched his basket since his passing. The blanket was neatly laid out and the pillow fluffed. She inhaled shakily and continued to stare at the basket. Why hadn't she gotten rid of it by now? Why wasn't she moving on with her life and furthering her studies? It was simple: she couldn't. Since she had hatched him, she had practically been like a mother to him, helping Celestia and her parents take care of him.

When he'd been old enough, he'd been permitted to go live with Twilight and her family. The group had treated him as one of the family. He would sit next to Twilight at mealtime and the two of them would talk and play when Twilight wasn't busy studying magic. It had been such a wonderful time, but also a sad one. Because she was so enthusiastic about her studies, she hadn't exactly bothered going out and making friends. Aside from Shining Armor, Cadence, Celestia and her parents, Spike was the only friend she had. Since they were older and had responsibilities, her family and teacher couldn't be bothered to spend as much time with her as they would have liked. It had been a very lonely and sometimes depressing childhood. She had luckily had Spike around to spend time with.

Now that he was gone, she felt as if a part of herself had been taken. Her spirit had been destroyed, her heart broken in two, her enthusiasm for anything crushed. How was she supposed to concentrate on her reading when all she could think about was her little baby dragon?

"Twilight . . ."

Her ear flickered. She turned her head, looking around. She'd thought that maybe she'd heard Spike's voice. Maybe she was just delirious from grief. Her mind was more than likely playing tricks on her. After all, she had literally lost track of time. She didn't know what month it was, much less the day. It could have been Tuesday, for all she knew. She hadn't been getting much sleep. Anytime she closed her eyes, all she could see was Spike's lifeless body lying in his basket, and her efforts to revive him had been futile, no matter how hard she'd tried.

Oh, Celestia, she missed him so much! Out of all her friends, Spike had been the most loyal, the most kind. Yes, in her circle of friends, Spike had both Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy bested in terms of loyalty and kindness. He had never left her side, never failed to obey whatever she needed him to do. He was always eager to help, whatever she needed. Even when she'd strictly told him to stay at the top of the stairs when they'd been looking for the Crystal Heart, he had deliberately disobeyed her out of pure worry for her when she hadn't been responding to his calls. He had selflessly given up his precious gem to Rarity, even though he'd been saving it for his birthday. Though a mistake, he had selflessly devoted himself to Applejack after she'd saved his life, and he had selflessly offered to watch after their pets when they'd gone to the Crystal Empire to oversee the preparations for the Equestrian Games. She couldn't have asked for a better assistant. Scratch that. A better _friend_. He was more than just her assistant, and he'd proven that a number of times.

The library was a mess from where he hadn't been around to clean it. She supposed that she could always clean it herself, but she never had the energy to do so. She mostly spent her time, enjoying the warmth of her bedsheets, hoping that maybe what had occurred had just been some horrid nightmare, that any moment now she would smell the sweet scents of Spike cooking breakfast downstairs for them. But, no. The scents didn't come. Her hope was tarnished. She was alone. Sad and alone. She just had to accept the fact that, no matter which way she looked at it, Spike was gone and wasn't coming back.

Oh, sweet Celestia! If this was what it was like to lose a friend, then she surely didn't want to go through this again! She was going to have to go through the pain and suffering of having to see all of her closest friends pass onto the other side, whether she wanted to or not. Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, all of them would eventually pass on, and there was absolutely nothing she could do to stop it. Oh, how awful! She didn't think she could go through it another time, much less five! And her family would eventually pass on too, so there was even more hurt and pain to look forward to. Oh, goodie!

She sighed and collapsed on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. She slowly turned her head, hoping to see Spike snoozing there, his snoring echoing around the room. She saw nothing but an empty basket. She glared and angrily slammed her head against the pillow, breathing heavily as her emotions began to get the best of her. She finally stopped and simply buried her head in her pillow as she sobbed quietly to herself, her body shaking with each shaky sob. When would it end? It seemed that she couldn't go a day without thinking about him, how much she'd meant to him. If only she'd known how easily life could be taken away, she would have taken more time to tell him that she loved him. She hardly recalled ever saying as much to him. She was sure that he'd known how much she loved him, but he still deserved to be reassured now and again.

"Twilight . . ."

There was that voice again. Or was it simply her imagination? She didn't know, and at this point she was too caught up in her emotions to care. Why?! Why had he done it?! Was he unhappy being with her? Was he depressed? Was somepony bullying him? There were so many possibilities of why he'd want to commit suicide. She'd read up on the symptoms of depression. She should have known that he was depressed based on his sluggish performance and the fact that he was crankier than usual because he hadn't been getting enough sleep. Why hadn't she confronted him, talked to him about why he was so sad? She'd done it with her other friends, so why hadn't she done it with him? It was unacceptable that she'd ruled him out. She should have been more careful, should have studied his behavior more closely to truly come to the conclusion that he was depressed. She hadn't done any of that. Why hadn't she?! If she had, she could have stopped this terrible thing from happening. One of the reasons why she couldn't rest was probably because that question was still lingering in her head constantly: what would cause him to want to kill himself? She didn't understand it. She'd always thought that he'd been happy living with her. Perhaps she was wrong.

"Twilight!"

Her ear flickered yet again and she sat up in bed, listening carefully. If her ears weren't deceiving her, she could have sworn that she could hear somepony knocking at the door. A visitor? Maybe this was a good thing. She could use some fresh air. She'd been cooped up in the library for far too long.

She was taken aback to find Fluttershy and Rarity standing at her doorstep. She hadn't been expecting them.

"Hello, Twilight," Rarity greeted her warmly. "Doing any better today?"

Twilight gave her a puzzled look. "What day is today?"

"I'll take that as a no," Rarity replied. "We just came by to check up on you and make sure that you were doing well."

"I'm doing okay, I suppose."

"You suppose?" Fluttershy asked.

"Judging by your appearance, dear, I'd say you're not doing okay." Rarity pointed to Twilight's mane and tail. "You're an absolute mess. You know what? A bath would fix you right up."

Twilight blushed. 'It has been a while since I've bathed. I suppose a hot bath does sound nice."

"Wonderful!"

Admittedly, Twilight hadn't been so sure at first, but the hot bath was quite relaxing. She let out a sigh of content and leaned back against the tub.

"Arms up," Pinkie instructed.

No sooner had Twilight done this was it that Pinkie began scrubbing underneath her forelegs, making the unicorn cackle in laughter. She had insisted that her friends help her bathe in order to get the spots that she couldn't reach, such as her back, rear, hind legs, and her tail, among others. They had started on her mane at first and had worked their way down.

"You know," Twilight said, "I've been thinking. Maybe we should all get together sometime and talk about our feelings regarding Spike's passing. It may help us all cope better. If anything, it'll help us get some things off our chests."

"I'm not sure I'd be comfortable talking about my feelings," Fluttershy replied.

"Nopony's going to judge you, Fluttershy," Twilight reassured her.

"That's right," Rarity agreed with a nod. "I think it's a wonderful idea, Twilight! It would give some of us a chance to blow off some steam. From what I've heard from Applejack, Rainbow Dash is pretty miffed about the whole situation."

"Believe me, so am I," Twilight remarked, "but staying quiet about it isn't going to help anypony. We can only start to heal when we start talking about it and attempting to move on. We're not doing that by avoiding each other."

"Mm-hmm," Pinkie added.

"So, it's agreed," Twilight went on. "We'll meet at some point to do a little bit of talking. When is a good time that's convenient for everypony?"

"I haven't been getting too much into my work lately," Rarity told her. "How about this upcoming weekend, if everypony else is free, that is."

"I'm free," Fluttershy stated.

"Me too," Pinkie Pie added.

"Okay, that just leaves Applejack and Rainbow Dash," Twilight said. "Rarity, I need you to go ask Applejack if she can make it. Fluttershy, you do the same with Rainbow Dash."

"I'll try," Fluttershy said.

"Don't worry about a thing, Twilight," Rarity assured. "Even if I have to hold her down, tie her up, and drag her to the library, I'll make sure that Applejack is at that meeting."

"Do you think it's such a good idea to have it at the library?" Twilight questioned. "Having it at the place where he died could be a little too much."

"Why don't we throw a party?" Pinkie Pie suggested. "It'll liven things up and get everypony more comfortable!"

Twilight tapped her chin in thought. "Hmm, that's not a bad idea." She nodded. "Why not? With how depressed everpony's been lately, a party would be just the thing to liven up our spirits."

"Whoo-hoo!" Pinkie did a back flip. "I'll get everything ready!" She trotted off.

"Hey, wait a minute," Twilight called. "You still have to–"

"Don't worry, Twilight," Fluttershy said, scrubbing at her friend's back. "Rarity and I can finish up here before going to tell the others."

Twilight smiled gratefully and nuzzled Fluttershy. "Thanks."

**A/N: Yes, I did steal some lines from "Smile Smile Smile" for Pinkie's dialogue. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I apologize for the delay regarding this chapter. I've been in a writing funk for the past month or so. Don't you just hate it when that happens? **

Chapter 4

For the first time in a long while, Twilight managed to find the energy to get up and do some cleaning in the library. She walked from one area of her home to the other, dusting off various shelves and counters. She stopped when she came upon Spike's bed. The duster was set upon her bed and she raised an eyebrow at the young dragon's basket, wondering if maybe she should clean it or not. There really was no point, seeing as how the blanket was straight. But maybe the pillow needed fluffing, even if nopony would be sleeping in the basket any longer.

Surrounded by a purple aura, the pillow was lifted into the air. Looking down, she discovered what appeared to be a book that had been lying underneath the pillow. She hesitated for a moment or two, wondering what the book could be and whether or not she should even take a peek at it. She had a suspicion that it may or may not have been Spike's personal diary. If so, she contemplated whether it was right to look at it. Being that he was dead, she supposed that it wouldn't hurt to take a look.

The diary itself perplexed her. Her relationship with him had been based on honesty. They hadn't kept things from one another. Why had he felt the need to keep a diary with him? Maybe there were some things that he wasn't comfortable with talking about with her. She herself had started keeping a diary ever since his passing, if only to maintain her sanity.

The pillow was fluffed and the diary was carefully set on her bed beside the duster. The book was opened and she flipped through several pages. "Maybe reading a couple of entries will give me a clue as to why he killed himself." She reached the end, deciding that if she wanted any clues as to the reasoning behind his demise, she would need to start at the last journal entry he wrote. Since he had claws, his writing was much neater than that of anypony who was forced to write with their mouth. She had thought that because his claws were so small, his writing would be microscopic, but thankfully his writing was big enough to where she could read it properly. She had to smile at the amount of journal entries that he'd written about Rarity. It came as no surprise, really. He had loved her dearly, but his other journal entries made it abundantly clear that he loved the others as well, if not more. She wasn't surprised in the slightest that he'd dedicated an impressive amount of journal entries to herself. In truth, she couldn't help but be curious as to what he'd written about her.

_Dear Diary, _

_I had a dream last night. __It started out the same as the one the night before, all dark and cold. While I was calling out for someone to help me, Twilight came out of nowhere and picked me up in her hooves She cradled me and rocked me back and forth. I felt very happy in her embrace. I felt safe and comfortable._

She smiled at the entry he'd written, a confirmation that he had indeed seen her more as a mother more than a big sister. She went back to the end of the diary, only to find several blank pages. The last entry had been written on the twenty-second of May, the day on which he'd passed away. It seemed that he'd written in the diary ever day for the past month or so. Until then, he hadn't written in the diary since February. Throughout the months of April and May, she noticed a pattern. Every day, he seemed to get more and more depressed. She'd noticed the signs.

He hadn't been eating as much. He had been sleeping more. He went about his chores in a rather sluggish manner. He didn't talk much. When he wasn't doing his chores, he would simply lie in bed and sleep. She had been worried about him, but had been too preoccupied with her studies to actually take the time to talk to him about what was bothering him. She had asked one of the others to talk to him. She entrusted Applejack to complete this task the most, seeing as she was one of the more level-headed of her friends, the easiest to talk to, and always gave a good, honest opinion about what should be done about whatever problem that needed resolving. Sadly, Applejack had reported that Spike said that there wasn't anything wrong with them, that he was just in an emotional slump at the moment and he was sure that he would get over it in a matter of days. There was no need to worry.

She should have pressed more. She'd been certain that something was bothering him, but she hadn't known what. Maybe knowing what could have saved his life. She wasn't entirely certain of this fact, but there was still a chance, a possibility, that knowing what was bothering him and talking about it could have helped him greatly. It was too late now. There was nothing anypony could do to bring him back.

Her ear twitched upon hearing a few knocks at her door. Setting the diary aside, she went to answer the door. Rainbow Dash stood there, not smiling. She looked forlorn.

"Are you ready to go?" Rainbow Dash asked quietly.

Twilight nodded. "Yes, of course."

"Good. Pinkie Pie wants us there early, so we should get moving."

Twilight remembered Spike's diary and her interest in reading it wouldn't allow her to leave it behind. They could read it together. "Okay, hold on. I want to grab soemthing really quick."

Once Twilight had the diary in her possession, the two of them made their way from the library to Sugarcube Corner. Fluttershy and Rarity were arriving there just as they were. All four of them entered together, not saying a word besides the casual greeting. Upon entering, they found that Applejack was already there, having been instructed by Pinkie Pie to help out with the food while Pinkie took care of the decorations. Unusual for Pinkie Pie, the volume of the music was softly playing the background. There was a table set to one side of the room, fully decked out with various foods and desserts. Bowls of various beverages such as cider and punch were laid out, along with cups and plates.

Silently, the group went over to the table and began filling their plates with various foods that they desired. Twilight set Spike's diary down on an unused table while she went to go get something to eat. Not surprisingly, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie selected cider as their beverage. The others simply had punch. They made casual conversation as they ate, not talking about anything particularly important. It seemed that all of them wanted to do everything they could to avoid the topic at hoof–that, of course, being Spike.

Once they were all full, they gathered around in a circle. Twilight retrieved Spike's diary and joined them. She noticed that upon discovering the diary, Rarity tensed up. She had a worried look on her face. Perhaps she was just nervous or afraid that she was going to be embarrassed about what Spike had written about her in his diary. If Twilight did come across anything that mentioned Rarity, she would be sure to skip over it, if only for Rarity's sake.

"What is that?" Fluttershy asked quietly nodding towards the tome resting in front of Twilight.

"I found it just today," Twilight replied. "It's Spike's diary."

"You're not planning on reading that, are you?" Applejack asked.

"Applejack," Twilight cried sternly. "Of course I am!"

"Ah, don't know, Twilight," Applejack went on. "Ah don't feel right about invading somepony's privacy like this, especially given that somepony's dead."

"Come on, Applejack," Twilight coaxed. "Maybe it'll give us some clues as to why he killed himself. Maybe he was hiding something or maybe he was struggling with something."

"I have to agree with Applejack," Rarity spoke up hastily. "If somepony read my diary without my permission, especially if I were dead, why, I'd just be devastated."

Twilight looked around the room. "You all feel the same as Applejack?"

They nodded.

"Not that we're not curious as to why he killed himself," Rainbow Dash said. "It just seems wrong to go through his private stuff without his permission."

"But this,' she tapped the diary with her hoof, "could be our only means of finding out what was bothering him, why he felt the need to leave us. How else are we going to find that out?"

"We could ask around," Pinkie Pie suggested enthusiastically.

Rarity nodded. "Maybe he was too embarrassed or frightened what any of us would think, so he might have confided in somepony else."

Twilight shook her head. "But that doesn't make sense. Spike knew that he could talk to me about anything." Her ears flattened. She sunk low until she was lying on her stomach and she slowly rotated her hoof against the diary. "What was so wrong with him that he felt he couldn't confide in me?"

"If it's bothering you that much, then, um . . ., perhaps we should take a look inside his diary," Fluttershy offered. "J-Just a tiny peek, though."

Twilight raised up to look at them again. "Aren't any of you dying to know?"

The others visibly cringed.

"Bad choice of words there, dear," Rarity said, smiling a bit. "But, believe me, we all desperately want to know what was going on through his head when he was contemplating suicide. But I don't any of us are willing to stoop so low as to look through his private diary."

"'Stoop so low?'" Twilight cried, somewhat offended. "I was practically his mother! I have every right to know what he was writing down in his diary!"

"That may be true," Applejack said, " but the truth is, sugarcube, the rest of us aren't interested. You can read it if you want, but please keep the rest of us out of it."

Twilight sighed. "Fine." She pushed the book aside and eyed them. "So, how have you all been?"

"We've all been able to keep our minds occupied with work, mostly," Applejack stated. She smiled. "I've been bucking trees and cooking like crazy these past couple of days. 'S matter of fact, I think I might have put on a little weight 'cause o' all that baking." She patted her midsection and grinned.

Twilight turned to Rainbow Dash. "Rainbow, what about you? How have you been holding up?"

Rainbow Dash exhaled, blowing her mane up. "Terrible. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't even enjoy a freaking _Daring Do _book! Ugh!"

Twilight finally broke down and began sobbing quietly, her body shaking. She began to rotate her hoof against Spike's diary. "What did I do? Did I do something, something to make him mad at me? Did he kill himself because of me?" She and the others were struck with shock when a hoof was sent across her face and a hard, loud slap echoed throughout the room. All parties turned their attention to Applejack, who was glaring daggers at Twilight.

"How dare you," Applejack snarled, sneering. She exhaled heavily through her nose, blowing Twilight's mane. "How dare you even _think _something like that!" She jabbed her hoof in Twilight's chest. "Let me tell you something, sugarcube! That dragon loved you! He loved you to death! His whole world, his whole life, revolved 'round _you_! Well, you and Rarity, of course." She looked over at the marshmallow pony, who looked away. She turned back to Twilight. "There was nothing you could have done to make him think that you no longer wanted him around, and for you to even suggest something like that is ridiculous!" She spit at the ground. "I just . . . oomph!" She kicked a chair that wasn't far away from her, sending it flying across the room and ending up in shatters as it hit the wall. She gritted her teeth, breathing heavily in a futile attempt to calm herself down. She gave them an apologetic look. "Sorry, y'all."

Twilight shook her head. "No, don't be. It's okay."

"No, it's not okay," Applejack objected, getting in Twilight's face and glaring. "It's a bunch of bull hussy!" She stomped her hoof. She sniffled and broke down herself, pounding at the floor with her hooves while she screamed over and over again, "Why?! Why?! Why?!" She began to calm down after Rarity began nuzzling her affectionately. She smiled in gratitude and gave the marshmallow pony a warm hug.

Twilight frowned. "That's what I keep asking myself." She shook her head. "I just can't understand why he would do something like this. It just isn't like him. Surely he would have talked to me or one of us if something was bothering him."

The others nodded their heads in agreement.

Twilight turned to Rarity. "You were as close to him as I was, Rarity. Did he come to you and talk to you at any point, that you can recall in recent memory?"

Rarity swallowed hard. She found herself in quite the pickle. On the one hoof, she could always tell the truth and say that Spike had in fact visited her. She'd been the last one to see him alive. But she didn't want her friends hating her and disowning her when they found out that she was the reason why Spike was dead. On the other hoof, she could always lie and tell them that she didn't recollect Spike visiting her at any point. If only to save her own skin, she thought that it'd be best to tell a white lie instead of risking her friendships.

She shook her head at Twilight's question. "Can't say that I have, dear."

Twilight turned to Applejack. "What about you, Applejack? You were practically like a big sister to him."

Applejack smiled. "And you were practically like a mother to him." She nuzzled Twilight affectionately.

"Did he talk to you about anything that was bothering him?" Twilight asked.

Applejack sighed dejectedly. "Sorry, sugarcube. Ah can't say that I have."

"Oh." Twilight's ears flattened against her head. "So, he never talked to any of you in the past few weeks?"

They all looked down sorrowfully.

"Sorry, Twilight," Rainbow Dash said. She gave a small smile. "Maybe you're right, though. Maybe reading entries from his diary will give us some clues about why he offed himself. I still don't feel right about going through his personal diary. Seeing as you were pretty much his mother, you can if you want to. Just let us know if you find out anything."

Twilight nodded. "I will." She placed Spike's diary back in her saddlebag. "Will you guys be all right? You'll let me know if you need to talk, right?" She gave a worried look.

Rarity smiled. "Of course, dear."

Twilight hugged her tightly. "Thank you." She sighed once she'd pulled away. "I can't imagine how hard this must be on you. He loved you very much. I hope you know that."

Rarity looked down. "Yes, I do . . . now. I just wish I'd known it sooner."

Twilight gave her an odd look while the others filed out of the room. "'Sooner?' How could you miss the signs?"

Rarity shook her head. "To be honest, I really don't know." She swallowed. "Listen, what if I were to tell you that I was the one who killed Spike?"

Twilight squinted and slightly leaned forward. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh, well, let's just say, hypothetically, that I was the reason why Spike offed himself. Let's say that he came to my shop one day and I completely ignored him. He became depressed and finally decided to . . . end it all, for lack of a better term." She cleared her throat. "Of course I'm just speaking hypothetically. What would you and the others think of me? You wouldn't hate me, would you?" She took a cautionary step back.

"Rarity, I'm surprised at you. Why in Equestria would you think we'd hate you. Even if you did have something to do with this, it wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known that Spike was going to kill himself. None of us could have seen that coming. Is this why you've been so distant lately, why you've been avoiding all of us, me especially? You really think you might have had something to do with Spike's passing?"

Once again, Rarity looked down, not saying anything in response. She was taken by surprise as she was suddenly enveloped in a warm hug. She looked down at Twilight, the purple unicorn pressing the side of her head against her white, furry chest, her forehooves wrapped around Rarity's neck. "Twilight, w-w-w-what are you doing?"

"You looked like you could use a hug. I hope it makes you feel better." She pulled away and patted Rarity's cheek gently. "Don't beat yourself up over his passing. You had nothing to do with it. Remember, we love you no matter what. We're always here to talk. Let me know if you ever want to talk. I'm always available." She turned to go out the door.

"And you'll do the same with us, right?"

Twilight turned and nodded. "Of course. I'll see you around, I hope."

Rarity nodded. "Yeah." She gave a slight chuckle. "Maybe. I've got to run home and make sure that Sweetie Belle hasn't burned down the Boutique."

Twilight chuckled. "Honestly, Rarity, you should have more faith in your little sister. You could learn a thing or two from Applejack."

"I'm sure I could. Anyway, I'll talk to you later, Twilight."

"I hope so."

The two of them went their separate ways upon walking outside, a final hug sending them on their way.

"Hey, Applejack?"

Said pony turned to see Rainbow Dash heading towards her. "What is it, Rainbow Dash? Make it quick. I got a lot of bucking to do today."

"I was just wondering . . ." She swallowed. "Could I maybe–if it's not too much trouble, that is–could I maybe sit down with you and have a nice cry? Y-Y-You look like you're about to cry yourself, to be honest." She removed her saddlebag and tossed it in front of Applejack. "I had Derpy make some muffins for us. Really good, too."

Applejack simply stared down at the saddlebag in front of her.

"I bet I can eat more than you," Rainbow Dash challenged.

Applejack smiled. "Always lookin' to best me, aren't you, Dashie?"

Rainbow Dash blushed.

Applejack sighed. "All right, come on in. You might as well since you're already here."

The two of them began trotting towards the Apple family home.

Applejack sighed. "Sorry about that back there, Rainbow Dash, getting' all emotional like that. It's uncalled for."

Rainbow Dash shook her head. "No, that's a good thing. Get it out of your system. It'll make you feel better."

Applejack smirked. "You're startin' to sound like Twilight."

Rainbow Dash chuckled. "Well, to be honest, I should know from firsthoof experience. A good cry has really made me feel better, even if it physically drains me and and all I want to do afterward is sleep."

Applejack yawned. "Mm, I know what you mean by that, sugarcube. A nap sounds lovely right 'bout now."

"We can nap after we get through these muffins."

"What kind are they, anyway?"

Rainbow Dash smiled. "Apple cinnamon."


End file.
